What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dear god my vagina.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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