What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
