This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
