If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
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I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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