even my farts smell like vagina
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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