Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
