just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
