I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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