There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
