Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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