yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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