I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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