I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
