I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
