I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
