never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
