I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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