He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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