he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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