Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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