yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
