As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
