smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
