Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
