I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
