She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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