Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
