Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
