"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
