he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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