The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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