wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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