Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
