Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
