it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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