u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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