What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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