I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she smelled like a LAN party
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
