I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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