I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
