come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
