Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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