Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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