Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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