Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
