how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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