I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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