drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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