So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
