My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
