marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well you can't waste a boner
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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