He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
