He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
