I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
