i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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